Writer's Block

It seems odd that I would write a blog when I don't have anything to write about. We didn't do a lot this weekend...grocery shopping, church, and a birthday party.
Noone really wants to read about the grocery shopping.....I will tell you that the kids and my husband are happy that we once again have snacks in the house. (Now if I can just keep them from eating everything in one day)
I can spend all night writing about church and how God has blessed us with such a loving church family, but I will just say that I am excited about what this year has in store for us, and I am ready to learn and grow in many areas of my life.
The birthday party we attended was for the son of a dear friend. She has four children the same ages as our four. Westin is just a few weeks older than Addy. The kids played a lot together when her and I worked at the same childcare, and they played well together today. Emmaleigh begged me to let her stay and play. We haven't done a lot together recently but our conversations always seem to pick up where they leave off.
I also want to take this time to thank everyone for all the positive feedback and for taking the time to read my blog. I started this blog to be able to put into words the emotions I was feeling and knew I would never be able to speak them, but having people actually read them is an added bonus.

A School for Addy

Since we moved we have been searching for a new school for Addy. This was not an easy task, especially being in the middle of the year (but nothing is easy with Addy). We had to make sure that the school had a program comparable to what she was in and make sure that it would meet her needs. Her new class is much smaller and I think the teacher is more willing to work with her on an individual level. We had a conference this afternoon to discuss the program that we found, and I feel comfortable with the decision to send her to this school.
Yesterday I took her to meet the teacher and see the classroom. The teacher expressed concerns that she couldn't write her name but if confident that with a little one on one, she can get her caught up. After looking over her IEP, the speech pathologist realized that her speech goals had not been updated since she was first evaluated two years ago. No wonder she was reaching her speech goals yet not seeming to make progress, he speech goal are not age appropriate.
We will have her annual case conference in a couple weeks so we can hopefully develop a better plan of action. I am looking forward to see how she progresses and maybe she will be ready for kindergarten next year after all.

Letters to Hudson

We first watched Letters to God this summer and liked it so much that we decided to buy it. For those of you who haven't seen it, I reccommend watching it. It is about a little boy with cancer who writes letters to God and puts them in the mail. He encourages those around him to do the same. I can't count how many times Emmaleigh has watched this movie but it has obviously touched her in some way.
Emmaleigh has never really said a whole lot about Hudson, so imagine my surprise when she asked if she could color a picture for him. (which ended up being 3 pictures) She told me she wanted to send them to him in heaven. I asked her how she was going to send them and at first she said she would just go put them on his grave. After thinking about it she says "no, I will put it in the mail box and send it to him like in that movie" I didn't have any envelopes but that didn't matter, she made one herself and then asked me how to write the "address" on it.
The innocence of a child will never cease to amaze me. If only life were as simple as a child perceives it to be.
MY LETTER TO HEAVEN

I would like to send a letter to heaven
and address it to the one I love.
My child has left this world,
to be with the Lord above.

I would tell her that I love her,
and that I miss her loving touch.
I would say we’re lost without her
and we miss her - - oh so much.

I would ask if she could visit,
if we promised not to cry.
Maybe one more time to see her
We forgot to say "Good-bye."

We will try to control our emotions
we truly feel we could.
So please - - we need a visit.
We promise we'll be good.

It is so hard, we miss her.
Oh Lord, this feeling is the worst.
We know you gave her to us,
yes, we know you had her first.

But you called her prematurely,
I'm sorry I question your will.
I know you have your reasons
but Lord - - I miss her still.

If you'd only make an exception
please consider what we plea.
It is so hard accepting that our daughter
- - We will never see.

Oh baby I write you this letter
with all the love there is to be had.
Because it's just not me who's hurting
there's your brother and your dad.

We need so much to see you,
then we'll try to let you rest.
But if not in this world, baby,
then we'll see you in the next.

So I’m sending a letter to heaven,
and pray you hear my plea.
But if the answer is not what I’m asking --
Lord come and rescue me!
(Paula Osipovitch)

Letting Go

Yesterday brought a new set of emotions. Ones I have never experienced before and I'm not even sure if I can fully explain their intensity. I first felt a wave of comfort and peace and then an overwhelming sense of sadness sunk in. I was experiencing both feelings at the same time but they weren't competing with each other...I just felt them equally and together.
It didn't take me long to realize what was happening. I had finally allowed myself to let go and feel something,and even if it was sadness, I was comfortable with it. Now that I have felt it, the overwhelming sense will eventually become a dull lingering sense of sadness. It was like a weight was lifted off my chest and I could breathe again.
I can only move forward from here and I am excited to see what God has in store for my family and myself in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

Nervous

I had my six week check up with my doctor yesterday and I was so nervous. My stomach was turning and I couldn't sit still in the waiting room. It didn't help that I got there forty five minutes early (hoping to get in early)and having to wait the whole forty five minutes. Also adding insult to injury, yesterday seemed to be the day for six week check ups because there were several women there with newborn babies. I knew I didn't have a reason to be nervous, but I wasn't ready to make any decisions. My doctor was very understanding and knew that it was too soon to make any long term decisions so we settled on something more for the short term and I go back in two months. I left the doctor's office feeling good about the plan. I am so thankful to have the doctor I do and the funny thing is that I was initially supposed to see a different doctor in that office but I had to change an appointment at the beginning of my pregnancy and I ended up with this doctor instead.
I wasn't the only one who had a case of nervousness. We thought Emmaleigh would start her new school today. She was excited but I think a little nervous as well. The nervousness was apparent when we went to enroll her this morning. She was very quiet and didn't talk to anyone. She was disappointed when we found out that she wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow morning.
I struggled with getting the younger two to get back into the routine last night and they slept in this morning so I may have trouble again tonight. Addy has already started worrying about her new school and we haven't finalized the plans for that. I hope that she is able to adjust well.

Old TIme Christmas

We had Christmas with my dad's side of the family this afternoon and it was the closest we have had to the Christmas's we used to have before my grandparents passed away. When it was time to open gifts all the kids sat on the floor around the tree, waiting somewhat patiently, while my dad passed out the gifts just like my grandpa used to. Afterward the kids went off to play with their new toys while the adults played cards. (it was nice to be on the adult side of the table this time). Thank you everyone who came, it was great, and if you weren't able to come, we missed you! Even though we were celebrating Christmas it was a great way to start off the new year. Before the last of our company was out the door, we began to take down the tree. I was sad to take it down as I am every year but it was definately time. I have already been looking around at clearance items to start my shopping for next year.
We finally got everything moved (the garage is packed full now) and have began putting it all away. I have determined that we had way too much stuff and am now trying weed things out. Unfortunately my camera is broken or I would add some photos of the new house. I am hoping to find my warranty papers so I can get it fixed (not so easy to do when you are in the middle of moving)
Christmas break is almost over for the girls. Emmaleigh starts at her new school on tuesday and she still seems to be excited. It will take a little longer to get Addy started at her new school because we still have to finalize the plans and have a case conference. I am hoping that it will be a smooth transition for her and that she will thrive at her new school.

A New Year, A New Beginning!

Yesterday was my birthday, and I had a wonderful evening with my mom and dad. They came over for dinner and we played cards and board games with the kids. The girls gave me some laughs yesterday and Addy even seemed excited that I was “old”. Now that I am one year closer and one year away from being thirty, it doesn’t seem as old as it once did. (like when I was 18). I didn’t ask for anything for my birthday this year because the one thing I really wanted, I knew I couldn’t have (at least not right now, but one of these days!), but as I was leaving my house yesterday morning, there was a beautiful rainbow over our small town. It was rather fitting to see a rainbow on New Year’s Eve, as it symbolizes a new beginning. It was like my little boy was telling me that everything would be ok. 2010 provided us with a lot of heartbreak but also a lot to be thankful for. If it weren’t for our family and friends that surrounded us during the difficult times it would have been a lot more difficult to make it through.
As we are making our New Year’s resolutions ( diet, exercise, etc), I challenge everyone to remember what really matters in life. Hold on to those you love and put your trust in God. I am praying for strength, comfort, and peace as we head into the New Year and can’t wait to find out what God has in store for us in 2011!