It has been two weeks since Hudson's birthday. Sometimes I can't believe that it has been that long and other times I feel like it has been much longer than that. Either way the world keeps turning, and the days keep coming and going, and our lives must go on as well. We may have "moved on" in a sense but we still have a long way to go. All I can do is take each day as it comes. Some days are good and other days I just want to stay in bed and cry until I can't cry anymore, but how productive would that be.
Several people have mentioned how "unfair" this whole situation was but I can't allow myself to think that because then I would become angry and bitter. We have found comfort in our faith, knowing that God has a better plan for both Hudson and us and who are we to question that plan. Do I understand what that plan is? No, but its not my job to understand it, it is our job to accept it and put our trust in him.
The crib is still up and the baby clothes are still in their place. I haven't had the heart to do anything with it. I know my husband means well but once every couple of days he will ask what we are going to do with the baby stuff, and each time I give him the same answer. "I'm not ready to do anything with it right now." I know that it is just stuff, and thats the way he looks at it, but I'm just not ready.
With that said, we are currently looking to move. Largely due to the fact that there are some issues with our house that our landlord just doesn't want to fix, but since everything has happened we are also ready for a fresh start. We are actually going to look at a house this afternoon. If we decide this is the house for us then it will be time to do something with it all.
Then we have the issue of whether or not to try again. Since we weren't planning to have four children when we got pregnant with Hudson this is kind of a touchy subject. My initial thought through all of this was that I wanted to try again, but at the same time I know that I was not thinking clearly and wanted a way to fill that void as soon as I could. Now that I have had more time to process the whole situation we are discussing our options.
I am not as anxious when I think about Christmas. It truly is my favorite time of year and even though it will be hard, we are thankful for what the holiday symbolizes and it gives us hope to know that we will see our baby boy again one day.