Thursday, December 2, 2010

Our Final Goodbye

The sky was gloomy and it looked as though it was threatening rain. The temperature was cold but we all gathered outside at the cemetary to say our final goodbyes. The service was nice and ended by our friends and family throwing dirt into the grave and everyone singing Jesus Loves Me. Addy continued to question why baby Hudson was in a do you explain that to a four year old. Even today she questions when baby Hudson is going to come home from heaven. It takes me a minute to answer but then I explain to her that baby Hudson is already home with Jesus and one day we will join him and we will be able to hold him and love on him.
After the service we gathered at my parents with family. My brother-in-law took my husband out for the evening and my sister came over and spent time with me. It was a good time and my husband needed to get out. He didn't really have a support system outside of my family.
The next few days kept us busy, which was good for me, I didn't have to think about it or feel anything, because when I thought about it I would let my mind wander to the what ifs. Was there something I missed in that last week? Why didn't I pay more attention to his movements? Those were common thoughts that went through my head, and I just preferred not to go down that road. I could just do what I needed to do and keep my focus on that. On monday I went to see my doctor, who couldn't apologize enough for what had happened even though I know that it wasn't his fault.
I was dreading the night that JR would have to go back to work, but that night had come on wednesday. It was the night before Thanksgiving and I had things that needed to get done and my whole body ached from keeping busy. I didn't allow my body the time it needed to heal and I was paying for it now on top of everything else. That was a set up for an emotional breakdown.
Thanksgivng Day had come and I did really well. We were invited to have dinner with JR's dad this year, something that we hadn't done since his mom passed away 5 years ago. The kids had a wonderful time and it was nice to essentially catch up. That night my friend had asked me to go shopping with her. (Secretly, it was her idea of getting me out of the house) I of course said yes, I needed to get some christmas presents anyway, why not get them at half price. The exhaustion and hype proved to be a little more overwhelming than I had expected. I didn't know what to get and quite frankly I just wasn't in the mood. Was I really turning into a scrooge? Once I got some sleep friday night I was in better spirits, I was ready to try this christmas thing again. I spent saturday cleaning the house so that we could get the christmas decorations out. We were going to put up our artificial tree but I just couldn't bear the thought of looking at the depressing little tree so I convinced my husband to go get a real one. (it really didn't take much convincing) Maybe this Christmas thing wouldn't be so bad after all.

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